All about the money

So it’s done. After months – no, years – of procrastination, I’ve made the phone call and fixed an appointment for the end of next week. I’d expected to feel relief as another long-outstanding job is ticked off the list, but instead I’m anticipating my meeting with the financial adviser with about as much enthusiasm as I would a visit from a Rentokil operative or a Macmillan nurse.

My reluctance to think about money is rooted in my childhood. My father was a worrier. He earned an adequate but relatively modest salary as a teacher, and I grew up with the constant parental refrain of ‘We can’t afford it.’ Family outings were sometimes ruined by his anxiety about the cost: on one occasion, he drove from our house in Manchester to Alton Towers theme park in Staffordshire, only to balk at the price of a ticket, turn around at the entrance and head back home, stopping briefly at a lay-by outside Leek for a digestive biscuit and a flask of greasy tea. It’s been liberating to distance myself from that. While I have vetoed some requests from my own children (an Xbox, a mobile phone), I have rarely done so on the ground of cost.

Over the years, I’ve witnessed the unedifying spectacle of certain acquaintances – all of them highly paid professionals – taking on extra locum and freelance work in order to feed their pension pots and service their buy-to-let mortgages, while relying on friends and grandparents to look after their children at short notice. If that sounds judgmental, it’s because I am judging. These are the same people who never have change to cover the taxi fare into town, and who plead poverty in restaurants, sucking all the joy out of life. They make me want to chuck money around, to splurge it on the Kobe beef and a bottle of the best Bordeaux, just to show them up for their meanness.

Until recently, the need to make provision for my retirement seemed entirely theoretical. No-one on my dad’s side of the family makes it beyond their sixties: why save for a future that seems unlikely to materialise? I’m assisted by my hypochondria: the fact that I interpret every twinge as multiple sclerosis and every freckle as a malignant melanoma means that I don’t expect to survive for long enough to draw my paltry private pension. Living with me is like being subjected to an endless re-run of the brain tumour scene in Hannah and Her Sisters. It must be exhausting.

But what if I don’t die early? I’m becoming increasingly aware of the need to address the dire financial situation in which I’m likely to find myself if, against all the odds, I reach old age. And I know what the financial adviser is going to tell me: it’s time to grow up. When I try to picture our meeting, I see a dramatisation of Eric Berne’s book Games People Play. Our conversation will run along the lines of the mind-game known as ‘Why don’t you – yes but’, in which character A makes a series of well-intentioned and sensible suggestions, only to be met with a string of objections from character B:

A: Set aside some savings every month.

B: I would sooner spend my spare cash on eating out, red wine, smelly cheese from the farmers’ market and supervised sporting activities for the children that knacker them out and absolve me of any obligation to engage meaningfully with them, thereby freeing up more spare time for me to carouse.

A: Pay more money into your pension.

B: I am inherently suspicious of pension fund managers, who already relieve me of a large portion of my monthly income, appropriate a hefty percentage for sitting around on their arses, and cannot tell me what – if anything – I will get at the end of it.

A: Review your tax liability.

B: Taxes pay for schools, the NHS, state benefits and social housing. They are a good thing. People should pay more taxes and do it with joy in their hearts; they shouldn’t seek to exploit barely legal loopholes in order to minimise their liability.

A: Get married.

B: After twenty years’ cohabitation and two children, this is a ridiculous suggestion. Neither of us is capable of the sincerity or emotional engagement required to meet each other’s gaze and declare ‘I do’ – and, besides, I’m secretly afraid that a wedding would upset the increasingly fragile equilibrium of our dysfunctional partnership. It would simply be a means of taking advantage of various tax breaks (as to which, see above).

A: Make a will.

B: Yes, but that would entail naming guardians for the children, a matter about which we have repeatedly failed to reach agreement. Most of our friends are inherently unsuitable. In any case, who would thrill at the prospect of taking in one boy who keeps a stash of dried bogeys on his bedside cabinet, and another who insists that every car journey is accompanied by Justin Bieber’s Sorry on an endless loop?

So I think it’s fair to say that my meeting with the financial adviser isn’t likely to go well. It taps into too many anxieties and prejudices. I know I should be planning for my future and yet I feel resistant; I don’t want to become the sort of person who concerns herself with hoarding money at the expense of fun and friendship. Besides, the need to save for a time when I may be frail and unable to work reminds me of my own mortality, and I’d rather not contemplate that. I can only prepare myself for the appointment by calling to mind Woody Allen’s line: ‘Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.’

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5 thoughts on “All about the money

  1. ginzaintherain

    Reading this really makes me feel strangely ecstatic. . Yes the topic is miserable, particularly for someone as utterly impractical and head-in-the-clouds as myself, even if the writing is as clear-eyed and logical as ever (I have NO provisions for my future whatsoever :I am fucked, absolutely and there WON’T EVEN BE A PENSION: I expect to expire within the decade, but at least I am having a bloody good time of it right now, if you discount my job, and that was probably how it was always going to be), but, anyway, it really makes me remember why we were friends in the first place at university – all those days and nights chewing the cud and wearing Paloma Picasso and shying away from nothing, even snogging each other even though you were going out with P………..our mutual love of Woody Allen ( I still adore his work and what it means to me even if……well you know what I am going to say) and why, if we did ever venture to meet again and once we had got used to the horror of our mutually aged faces, and in my case, my fat, foul, body, I know that we would have a GREAT time together talking in some bar were we to meet and devour two, or preferably three bottles of Rioja and discuss all the bullshit of life and why we hate it, but also all the reasons, ultimately, why we love it. You shy away from nothing, you write beautifully, you are totally honest, and your spirit is utterly intact (and this in itself is something to commend oneself about – corruption is totally endemic, even within the individual). Reading this made me really miss you. I hope you don’t mind this sentimental honesty, but it is Saturday night in Tokyo, I am drunk, and even though finances are utterly dull beyond belief (which is why I will die on a park bench), I really loved reading this. xxx

    Sad to say though, that I LOVE Justin Bieber’s Sorry.

    Sorry!

    Nx

    Please let’s meet again someday xx

    Reply
    1. bristolbetty Post author

      N, thank you! Hope you don’t mind that I edited my real name out of your reply – gutless, I know. Your own writing, as I’m sure you’ve been told many times, is original, intense and powerful, and you’re far too complimentary about mine, which in comparison seems very reserved and almost prissy. I am so pleased that you can still discern something of my old self in this silly piece – I miss all those highs and lows and sometimes wonder if I am really the same person that I was at 18 or 19. I’d love to meet you when you’re next back in the UK (and rest assured that I am a dumpy, perimenopausal hag with facial hair). Until then, wishing you and D many more drunken Saturday nights in Tokyo. xxx

      Reply
  2. waternymph88

    Recommend making a will, actually. Is good idea. Know this as have secondary breast cancer age 37 and Dad made me make a will last year. It’s not even very difficult.

    Best wishes,

    Cordelia

    Reply
    1. bristolbetty Post author

      Cordelia, I’m very sorry to hear about your illness and I imagine the last thing you want to read about is my hypochondria. You’re right, of course – I need to get on with it. Loved your blog, by the way.

      Reply

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